Why Stand By When You Can Make a Difference?

I didn’t set out to write about this, but events keep bringing me back to it. The question that lingers is: How can we start a conversation that actually makes a difference? Too soft, and the message fades away; too direct, and it risks pushing people back. How do we get to a place where we’re empowering others to recognise when they’re being a bystander—and, sometimes, when they might even be contributing to harmful behaviours? This is a conversation we can’t afford to avoid any longer.

I’m not going to focus on one thing specifically because this idea applies to a lot of situations. It’s universal. Whether it’s racism, sexism, workplace bullying, or any other systemic issue, the pattern of standing by and staying silent is far too common. And, honestly, it’s uncomfortable to confront. But that discomfort is the very reason we must.

The Armed Robbery That No One Stopped

Let me take you back to when I was 20. I witnessed an armed robbery. Thirty people were standing around a jeweler’s shop in Marlow, watching as a crime unfolded. Every single one of them called the police, but not a single person stepped in to intervene or stop the crime. The robbers walked out, took what they wanted, and disappeared.

On that day, thirty people could have done something to prevent the robbery, but no one acted. Now, you might think, “I wouldn’t have done anything either. I could have been hurt.” Sure, stepping in during an armed robbery could be dangerous, and the instinct for self-preservation is natural. But the principle applies to so many other situations—situations where the risk isn’t physical harm, but emotional discomfort or social rejection.

We face these dilemmas every day in conversations that are difficult but necessary. The question is: Why do we shy away from them?

Fear of “Hurt”

A couple of observations…

Last week, I reposted a video that called out racially derogatory comments. It was the most viewed post I’ve ever shared, yet it received the fewest likes, comments, or interactions. People watched, but they didn’t engage. Why? Because the topic is tough. It requires confronting uncomfortable truths. It’s much easier to scroll past and remain a passive observer.

Earlier this week, I attended a session on women’s health in the workplace. The event was fantastic, and it had a good turnout. A month earlier, there was a session on men’s health, specifically focused on the stigma around male suicide, and it had less than half the attendees. Why? Because the subject is harder to talk about. We shy away from these topics because they require us to step out of our comfort zone.

But here’s the thing: The tough conversations are the ones that most need our attention.

The Bystander Effect: Why Do We Stay Silent?

The bystander effect is a psychological phenomenon where individuals are less likely to offer help when other people are present. The larger the group, the more likely it is that everyone will assume someone else will take action.

It’s human nature to blend in with the crowd, but the cost of inaction is high. When we see someone being marginalized, harassed, or mistreated, and we do nothing, we become complicit. We may not be the direct perpetrators, but by standing idly by, we allow harmful behaviours to persist.

According to a report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, when people feel they are part of a larger group, the responsibility to intervene becomes diffused. The result is silence, and silence perpetuates harm.

This isn’t just theoretical. In workplaces, schools, social settings, and communities, the bystander effect plays out every day. Whether it’s witnessing inappropriate comments, bullying, or discrimination, many of us hesitate to speak up because we feel it’s not our place, or because we fear the social fallout. But silence is not neutral. Silence is an act that enables the status quo.

Beyond bystander

What about not just being a bystander, but unintentionally perpetuating harmful behaviours?

Take a moment to think about your group of friends—what do they look like? What have their experiences been? Now, imagine poor behaviour in the workplace, what do you perceive that to be? — Do you notice it or do you shrug it off because it’s something you’re used to hearing? Often, we don’t realise that what feels “normal” to us might be harmful to others. Did you make a comment or brush something aside simply because the person comes from a different background or has experiences you’re unfamiliar with? Our familiarity with certain behaviours can desensitise us to their impact, and without realising it, we can perpetuate the very issues we claim to stand against. This unintentional perpetuation is as important to confront as being a passive bystander.

So, how Do We Become More Active?

How do we move from being passive bystanders to active participants in making things better?

  1. Recognise the Role You Play

The first step is acknowledging when you’re in a situation where you have the opportunity to act. Recognising the moment is key. When you see something uncomfortable or hear something inappropriate, don’t dismiss it as “not your problem.” If you’re there, it’s already part of your world, and you have the ability to make a difference, even in small ways.

  1. Start Small, But Start

You don’t have to confront every injustice you encounter in a dramatic way. Small actions matter. If you’re in a meeting and someone makes a dismissive comment, speak up. If you hear someone spreading harmful stereotypes, challenge it—even gently. By showing that you’re not willing to let things slide, you’re setting a precedent. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but discomfort is a sign of growth.

  1. Be Mindful of Your Own Behaviours

Sometimes, we’re perpetuators without even realising it. We may engage in conversations or behaviours that, in hindsight, contribute to the very problems we wish to solve. Self-reflection is crucial. Ask yourself: What beliefs am I holding onto that might be harmful? How can I be more inclusive in my thinking and actions? Acknowledging our own shortcomings is an essential step in becoming a more active participant in creating positive change.

  1. Educate Yourself

The more you know, the more confident you’ll feel in addressing difficult issues. Read about the topics that make you uncomfortable. Attend workshops, listen to speakers, and engage with perspectives that challenge your own. Education is empowerment, and it gives you the tools to speak up when it matters most.

  1. Lead by Example

You don’t need to change the world overnight. But by taking small steps, you can inspire others to do the same. When people see you standing up for what’s right, even in subtle ways, they’re more likely to follow suit. Change doesn’t happen in isolation—it’s a ripple effect.

Embrace the Tough Conversations

The bottom line is this: The tough conversations are the ones worth having. If we stay silent and allow ourselves to be bystanders, we’re missing an opportunity to create meaningful change. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, it’s tough. But avoiding it only makes it worse.

Don’t let fear hold you back from being an active participant in the world around you. Start small, but start somewhere. The difference between being a bystander and an agent of change isn’t as large as we think—it starts with recognising the moment, speaking up, and taking responsibility for the impact we make.